You should wear skirt
Living as an adult, or being surrounded by adults -- I thought my life would be so much better. However, I might be wrong.
I used to think that
adults won't really pay attention to things like how you should act as a
"normal" or as an "expected" men, or how you should done
some "manly" things so that people can expect you as a "real men".
Things are not so easy
to me -- a person who (may) fail to behave, or to act, or to done certain
things that will define me as a "men".
Why?
First: It's my voice. My
"girly" voice to be exact. I've been dealing with such disaster in
maybe my whole life caused by my voice. If I can describe it myself, I'd rather
call my voice as "androgyny" voice or, yeah, maybe more like
"feminine" voice. My voice stops changing since I was in Junior
School. I have no idea why or what makes my voice sounds like 10 or 12 year-old
boy.
Believe it or not, my
voice has brought my a bunch of troubles, especially when I was in Senior High,
where all the boys normally have that husky voice, or at least their voices
turn or sound more masculine or I don't know exactly how to explain it. I
always hate when I have to introduce myself in front of new people, because
clearly they all will pay attention to me, not because of my personality or
whatever, but because of my voice. People will laugh at my voice or they'll
talk about it behind my back.
Second: My personality.
The way I walk, the way I talk, the way move my hand, my gesture, maybe so far
from what's called as "macho". It makes everything even worse for me.
I won't really talk about what people used to call me or judge me, but the
thing is: I still survive. I survive from the nightmare of living in High
School where there wasn't a single day I didn't get other students mocked
me or throwing some harsh words at me.
I used to be so
comfortable to be involved in adults environment, such as when I was with
my teachers, or with certain group with many adults are in. They are not judge
me based on my voice, or the way I behave. I felt so comfortable, hoping that
someday, when I have to live my life as an adult, everything will be much
better. Somehow, the that I've been through still left some scars here and
there. I was scared to go out and interact with other people. I learned a
huge life lesson, on how I have to survive from those nasty words they throw at
me and I learn how to face those people, or at least try to pretend as if
everything is alright and I'm not hurting. I guess I learned. I guess.
Now, that I finally
enter another stage of my life as a not-a-boy-not-yet-a-man life, I realize
everything is not changing any better. I life with some adults at my workplace,
and it doesn't release me from those judgment about how "men" you
are. Human is blessed with their brain, and their brain is the one that makes
people set their own "standard" about "an ideal men".
People's brain also makes them judging each other. Once you start to make some
thing that is out of their standard, they'll judge you. They'll call you pussy,
faggot, sissy, or whatever you named it. That happens to me a lot. Like, A LOT!
Sadly, those who still call me so, are adults. Isn't that ironic?
Can I blame them? No I can't. People are freely to judge.
You can't control others' minds.
It's not all their
fault. They judge me or call me with such things: it's because of me. The way I
act, they I behave, my voice. All of those things will surely define what can
of men I am; to other people. Even though I'm sure I'm not kind of person they
think I am.
So, can I blame
myself? I blame myself a lot,
for not having certain things that a real man should have. However, my voice,
my body, my behavior, are something that Allah gave to me. Who am I to blame
Him who already creates me with everything I have now? I try to love myself,
slowly. It's hard, but I'm still trying.
Tonight is not a very
bad night, though. Only suddenly someone said to me:
"You should probably wear skirt"
Do those words matter to
you?
Yes.
Why does it really
matter to you? Do you think you exaggerated a small thing?
Am I exaggerating a
small thing? How if that small thing happens to you over and over again? Like,
you almost live your entire life with that small thing. How does it feel?
It hurts a lot.
Just because I
can't do a "manly" thing, a certain manly things, people will easily
throw such words at you. I know I shouldn't have let this kind of things make
me down, but I'm also a human after all. The more I try to be strong, the more it
feels hurt. I try to do good things to them who always judge me, but it doesn't
work. I try to prove I'm not a person they think, but what do I have to prove?
They won't stop. A small mistake can literally destroy all of your kindness.
I'm not saying I'm a kind person, but at least I always try to mock them back.
I'm so tired of arguing with those people, it's useless, they won't see my
point.
It's hard for being me,
and if I try to tell those people, will they understand? No.
Sadly, I'm living in a zone
when you speak your mind out to people, they'll judge you even more. They
surely won't understand. What do you expect, then?
Now that I have no
choice but to keep living. End my life is no longer an option. Or is
it?
Deep down, I always
crave for having life where people can fully understand me. Where I can
live my life, without having to worry people will judge you for being who I am.
I know, there's more to life than this. I know it's not only me that's
struggling with this kind of nightmare. I do still hope someday people
will accept me the way I am.
I definitely have a lot
of people who never judge me or at least can accept my flaws; which also the
biggest reason why I still willingly continue my life. I hate myself for
wasting my time thinking about those harsh words they throw to me. But I can't
help it. I'm tired. I really am.
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